


Why not me?

by soljitude



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Allen Walker Needs a Hug, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - D.Gray-Man Fusion, Angry Allen Walker, Angry Kanda Yuu, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, D.Gray-man Hallow, Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fanfiction, Fear of Death, General Allen Walker, Kanda Yuu Being An Asshole, M/M, Near Death, POV Kanda Yuu, Poor Allen Walker, Slice of Life, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:54:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29225010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soljitude/pseuds/soljitude
Summary: Allen Walker x Kanda Yuu
Relationships: Kanda Yuu/Allen Walker
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	1. Why not me?

**Author's Note:**

> Spotify Playlist  
> " i still love you Kanda " - by iirsyv

…  
It wasn’t the love that everyone saw, it was blinding to the two, but blinding to the point where neither of them noticed.  
The shallow breaths of the two men as they woke up, neither of them really understanding what was going on nor wether or not they should be worried.  
The man who controlled them left and right, to the point that Kanda and Allen both had passed out, their bodies covered in cuts and bruises, both of them fighting to keep themselves alive.  
They both could, and they knew they could fight, but against a Noah… those who are basically considered immortal and contain godly strength..  
…  
Neither of them would make it out of there alive…  
…  
The running, Allen darting to one spot, Kanda darting to the other. Both of them undoubtedly strong, yet neither of them even talking to one another… both of them concentrated in one single task.  
…  
They had to escape.  
…  
They looked like miniature shooting stars, left and right, the light blaring any bystander’s eyes as they flashed the innocence. Trying to land a hit well enough that it would grant them just enough time to escape.  
Allen’s cries, left and right, being the one to suck up and yell for Kanda when the Noah wrapped their palm around his neck.  
The lack of air… the sudden bright lights… the grip that could end his life if he wanted too..  
It diminished with a sudden grab to his body.  
…  
“You’re an idiot!.. Can’t you try and not be killed every god damn second?!”  
Yelling left and right, the sound of it moving around, as if the voice was moving… which Allen didn’t realize was.  
...  
The shine of the sword flaring as Kanda tried his best, the other one practically passed out again, it was up to him to be able to land a hit on the Noah.  
Anger filling him to the very brim… especially when he saw the white haired man laying on the ground..  
...  
Helpless...  
…  
It struck an anger inside of Kanda like no other.  
The fury that he felt like no other, yet in the end using it all against the noah.  
…  
His legs were limp, his breathing hitched with every incline that they had to walk, his own blood dripping down the side of his face… defining every feature that he had.. Which at that moment, were bruised up.  
Holding the man at side, who tried his best to use the strength in his legs to support the two of them as well… until finally arriving to where they both could last remember.  
…  
It was as if they were both blind enough to never see it themselves.  
They smiled, they laughed, they fought together…  
...  
No matter who saw them, they could agree, these men were destined for each other with no second thought.  
…  
It was painful to think about it…  
How every moment Allen shared with him…  
Allen cherished it all.  
It was a love that had been doubted by him for years on end, ever since he shared they both shared their first laugh together.  
The smile.. Kanda’s smile to be exact.. Knowing the pain and how much the man suffered… it was… in a way, soothing to see it.  
…  
…  
…  
...  
…  
“Kanda..”  
The words leaving the pair of lips as he laid in the bed, head to toe covered in bruises and scars that showed no permanent healing.  
The swing of white hair falling to the sides of his face. A small touch of water at the very tips of it, a woman with dark green hair being the one to always care for the two who were wounded.  
Looking over as she heard the whispers of the name that he was calling for.  
A small smile on her face, seeing as Allen was starting to wake up.  
“He’s in the room next to yours… he’s okay..”  
Allen, despite his body in pain, let out a small curve to the corners of his lips…  
“Thank god..”  
Lenalee tho, her smile faded, looking down at the white hair man, a sense of pain as she heard his words.  
“Of course… we wouldn’t want you two hurt more than you guys already are..”  
Allen simply nodding, his eyes still shut as she stood up. Making her way over and checking up on all the bandages before having to leave yet again.  
Walking into Kanda’s room before hearing the stern word coming out of him.  
“I don’t want to know.”  
Lenalee nodding as she just made her way to start patching him up again.  
“When are you going to tell him?.. It’s not like you can hid it forever, he’ll find out eventually and you know that..”  
Kanda glaring up at her as he shook his head.  
...  
Lenalee knowing better than to push it, finishing as she exited the room. Closing both of the doors, standing with her feet frozen to the ground.  
Her and Lavi knowing the secret that one day would end up breaking Allen’s heart, yet they didn’t say anything.. Fearing of Kanda and what he would do, and fearing for Allen and what he would feel.  
…  
And it was like that for the next couple of months.  
Everyone finding it rare when Allen and Kanda barely even spoke a word to each other, yet somehow still doing missions with one another despite it not ending well.  
Either one of them yelled, and the other one defended themselves, or the other got hit and the other scolded them for it leading up to a huge brawl.  
...  
Eventually, not one glance could be gifted between each other, the tension keeping the room they were in high on their toes and quiet… being able to ear every movement of one’s legs of the swift breaths they took.  
…  
“Aren't you good at something?! For fucking sakes Allen!”  
…  
“You can’t do shit right either Kanda! Stop yelling at me!”  
…  
“Better than you!”  
…  
The two of them ending up fighting, a rather harsh amount of words that were being given left and right between one another… to the point where Allen had tears in his eyes from yelling.  
His voice raspy and dull, chocking on his own spit as he yelled at the man with long hair in front of him.  
“Why?! Why can’t you treat me the same as Lenalee or Lavi?! Why do you always have to insult me?!”  
The words reaching the cafeteria, creating a silence throughout the whole room.  
Everyone turning to the two men, one breaking down while the other one stood his ground.  
The men and women watching from the sidelines, all of them knowing but Allen himself…  
“Allen… calm down..”  
The orange ball of hair trying to keep a distance between the two, lenalee on the other hand turning to Kanda.  
A glare in her eyes as Kanda knew what he had done.  
“You said you wouldn’t make him cry and that you would tell him.” she said, the stern words being used right back at Kanda as he looked down at her.  
“What do you want me to tell him?” he asked, Lavi turning, getting a hold of Allen before he could do anything more.  
Allen tho, he wasn’t having it as he looked up at Kanda.  
“The hell are you hiding from me?!”  
…  
Those were the words… he would forever want to take back.  
…  
The man loved Kanda, it ate his soul throughout the months that both him and Kanda couldn’t even look at each other.  
The missions, the happy laughs that he had while all Kanda did was smile.. Everything.  
He loved the man, and not in a way that two men should share at the time.  
He didn’t even know if Kanda felt the same, yet...Allen enjoyed being there. By his side at all moments, sharing time and spending it fighting any evil that sprawled in front of them.. And everyone knew it.  
...  
Every person in that room knew how much Allen loved that man.  
…  
They knew what Kanda meant to Allen, they knew it all, and that was the soul reason that they did not even find the courage to bring themselves to tell him.  
They simply couldn’t, they couldn’t see the boy that brought smiles and joy to them all break down, over the fact that Kanda would never be his.  
…  
Kanda had had enough of it all, he wasn’t ready to say anything, the secret he was holding bearing him inside as well.  
“Figure it out..” the words creating anger inside of Lenalee and Lavi.  
Lenalee following right behind him, all while Lavi took Allen back to his own room… knowing that the day had been harder on him than any other day.  
…  
“Why Kanda?... Why can’t you simply tell him? Hes breaking day after day and it is your fault..”  
The words coming into Kanda’s ears like a stab to the heart.  
Looking down at the two pig tails on the woman’s head as she looked directly at him, anger and fury.  
“What am I supposed to tell him?... tell him that I don’t love him the way that he loves me and that I’m on the path to be married with the woman of my dreams? She died once Lenalee… what makes you think that I will give her up again?...”  
Lenalee, shaking her head as she looked at Kanda. “You haven’t told him.. Allen still likes you and you can’t even tell him that you’re getting married in two weeks?!”  
…  
Silence.  
…  
“If he really loves me.. He would show up to that alter, and support me with the woman that I love.”  
…  
And Allen did just that.  
Showing up, he sat through the whole ceremony.. Watching how happy the woman looked, how stunning she was in her dress, watching it flow as he heard the words that broke his head down completely…  
…  
“I do..”  
…  
That was it, Allen had to watch the man he loved, get married to the woman of his dreams.  
…  
Yet, his heart ached, it ached with the feeling of something heavy weighing him down…  
He needed to know, instantly standing up, his feet darting for the end of the alter that was filling up with people throwing petals… and that’s where he froze.  
…  
Kanda’s smile…  
The smile that once was shared with him…  
The smile that made Allen fall docile like a doll in Kanda’s arms.  
It wasn’t towards him, but towards his now wife.  
…  
That was it, Allen stood no chance…  
His hands shaking, but small claps as he joined in with everyone else.  
…  
Watching them pass by, the sounds of bells in the background, his hands then lowering..  
…  
Small tears falling down his face, a smile still on his face as his eyes watched the two now outside of the church…  
…  
“Kanda…”  
…  
His hands dangling low as he watched them two…  
…  
“.. why... “  
…  
“.. why couldn't it be me?..”


	2. A Small Meal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotify Playlist !  
> \- " I Still Love You Kanda "  
> \- iirsyv

\---------------

The minutes passed, yet it felt like hours to Allen.  
He stood at the door way, watching how the two greeted everyone and shared smiles all throughout.  
...  
The faces of Lavi and Lenalee coming across him..  
The whole scene flooding back into his mind, the tears rolling down his cheeks that were flushed with a small pink color.  
The tips of his ears being a bright red, all throughout the tears that seemed like mini pearls rolled down his face.  
…  
Why did it have to be her?  
What was so different that Kanda didn’t love him back?  
…  
What was it that Allen didn’t have…  
Was it the face?..  
The smile?...  
Or was it her laugh?  
…  
It broke Allen, made him feel like another piece of glass in a pile of shards.  
It wasn’t like he stood a chance...Kanda was already married and had told everyone…what was the point in even trying?... it’s not like he even mattered to Kanda in that way after all.  
…  
That was the way Allen lived for the weeks on weeks without ending.  
It felt as if though he wouldn’t ever feel the same way about anyone.  
…  
The poor boy couldn’t leave his room, memories flashing his mind whenever he had just healed from the last crying session.  
His hair a rugged mess, a pain in his face that seemed that would never leave..  
…  
His palms covered in dried tears…  
He felt hopeless...it wasn’t the fact that Kanda had gotten married in front of his eyes… but the fact that Allen felt incapable of moving on.  
…  
He felt stuck, as if anywhere he walked would lead right back to that very spot he was in..  
He couldn’t escape.  
He was trapped… in this state of mind that felt... empty.  
…  
The days passed, yet his mind thought of it as years.  
What was he supposed to do?..  
Was he just supposed to move on?..  
Live a life as if Kanda had never taken a major part in it?  
…  
The mere thought of it..  
It was painful.  
…  
“Allen.. You need to come out, you haven’t eaten in days..”  
Lavi knocking against the wooden door, his ear pressed upon it as if he would be able to hear anything than sniffles and small mumbles of nothing at the other side of it.  
…  
Allen on the other hand, who’s stomach was growling, looked up at the knocking.  
Lavi’s ears being filled up with the sound of footsteps leading up to the door.  
Letting the door open to reveal the mess of the poor boy in front of him.  
…  
No one could deny it.. He was a mess, but the fact that the man had actually walked out… that was the first baby step there could ever be.  
…  
Lavi sitting down Allen, the man swinging his head from side to side, the sudden brightness being a little too much after being in the dark all those days..yet he sat waiting for Lavi do bring him food.  
…  
“Here you go…” he mumbled, setting the tray down and soon after his own.  
“Eat up, you’ve been locked away and haven’t eaten anything.” he said, trying his best to get Allen to at least eat a full meal. After all the man was stuck in the room all those days.  
…  
Allen took little bites, one after the other, his mouth chewing it as if it were a a piece of rubber in his mouth..  
He ate because they told him too… not because he was hungry.  
Yet, the content look on Lavi’s face made him feel like he had accomplished a grand sport game in the top place.  
…  
“Lavi.. is he…”  
Allen speaking soft words, yet Lavi knew just what he was saying without even needing for him to finish.  
“He’s not here right now...Don’t worry about him being here, he won’t even come near this room trust me.” he said, a huge grin on his face. “I won’t let him come near you! You can trust me Allen!”  
The grand grin on his face.. Allen couldn’t help but nod his head in approval.  
…  
Allen tried his best to keep up the same energy, not wanting to feel that he was dragging everyone down..  
Lavi peeking over Allen’s head, seeing the face of Lenalee’s as she sat down besides Allen.  
…  
Her face brightening up as she saw Allen eating, content with the fact that he had gained the strength to come out and enjoy a meal...even if it was a small one.  
…  
“Allen...how about a walk after this?.. Get you out and active yet again?”  
Lavi pushing his luck with it all, expecting a no...but to his surprise the small nod coming out of the small man.  
…  
After all, what could go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for chapter 3!


	3. With her angelic touch..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotify Playlist!  
> \- " I still love you Kanda "  
> \- Under @iirsyv

\-----------  
The grass blew as the small breeze hit the man in the face.  
Walking alongside the ledge of the concrete sidewalk, little dandelions filling the grass fields.  
The smell of flowers blossoming filling his nose,  
“Achoo!”  
The man sniffling as his elbow covered his sneeze.  
It was springtime, pollen and allergies were left and right..  
“Do you want any tissues?.. I’m sure I have some in here…”  
The sun shining down on the two as they walked along the sidewalk.  
“No… it’s just allergies…”  
The man shaking it off as he continued on walking.  
“Kanda… if it’s too much for you we can always come during the evening..”  
The lady having skin of porcelain, her blonde hair shining in the day time sun.  
Her dress, a beautiful royal blue that shined on her body, her looks in general...and then alongside Kanda…  
They looked like two royals in the daylight.  
…  
So how should react when the white haired boy stood at the end of the sidewalk alongside Lenalee and Lavi… all while Allen looked directly ahead at the two who waled alongside each other.  
…  
His knees starting to loose their strength.. Allen holding himself up before clenching his stomach. Closing his eyes shut as he gripped onto his stomach. “Lavi.. I feel…”  
…  
“I feel like I’m about to throw up..”  
…  
Lavi panicked as he quickly turned around, his arm flying around and holding Allen up. Lenalee turning over as she watched the two go off to the side, turning back around… having to talk to the two who were now in front of her.  
“Lenalee! I haven’t seen you after the wedding!.. How are you?”  
…  
Even her smile was bright and cheerful..  
Allen throwing up at the side, being shielded and covered up by Lavi as he did so.  
Lavi making sure that no one knew it was them two, turning over and making a clear path for the two of them to make a run for it, knowing that the thing that Allen would want most is for Kanda to see him like this or in general after all.  
…  
“Come on Allen.. We need to get you to a restroom or at least a doctor..” he said, Lavi worried beyond extent. Allen shaking his head, a violent shake from side to side, only creating more vomit to come out of him.  
The woman hearing such, turning her head only to see Lavi and then a sick Allen.  
...  
“H..hold my bag Kanda..”  
The woman making her way over, going to the opposite side of Allen. Taking hold of his chin so that he could face her. “Is everything okay?.. Should I call a doctor?..”  
…  
Her voice was soft… almost angelic..  
Her touch… it was as delicate as a small dandelion..  
Her face… it was as almost she was the perfect doll created for a rich child to play with..  
Allen was sick of it… now then seeing what he had failed to see throughout those days of staying shut away in his room.  
…  
“I’m fine..”  
The words echoing in his mind, he knew he wasn’t. Yet he stood like a fool in front of the wife of the man he loved.  
“Let go of me…”  
The sudden slap to her hand as he looked at her directly, “Don’t touch me..”  
The words as weak as a little puppy first taking it’s first barks against a grown dog.  
Kanda making his way over, standing frozen still as he saw who it was.  
...  
The white hair, he looked pale as a ghost, the mark at his eye still being the same as ever, the same Allen in physical form.. but what about the sweet smile that went around to everyone?…  
It was simply, gone…  
Kanda stood there, his wife in shock as she held her hand in the same position from when Allen had slapped it away.  
...  
“We’re only here to help.. Please if you’re sick, let us know so we can call a doctor..”  
Her words triggering something in Allen, looking directly at her as he stumbled to stand up straight. “I told you, don’t touch me..” He repeated, this time starting to make his way out.  
…  
Both Lavi and Lenalee stunned at how Allen had acted.. They’ve never seen in even slap a hand away from anyone, no matter who, what, where, nothing…  
It was out of Allen’s character…  
…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!  
> Stay tuned for chapter 4!


	4. Trapped by a thorn vine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \--------------  
> Spotify Playlist!   
> \- https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1gsXKeQx6OyoXc65gjbcBZ?si=07ed2cd934024113   
> \- " I still love you Kanda "  
> \- By @/ iirsyv

\-------------  
The small huffs left the small bean’s mouth..  
Gripping the elbow part of his sleeves as he made his way down the pathway…  
His knees trembling, but not stopping from making his way back to his room..  
…  
All while the woman stood straight, stunned by the harsh words towards her. “Is he… is he eating properly?..” she asked, Lavi looking back at her after taking his attention from the leaving Allen.   
...  
He had eaten a whole meal, he had even smiled and talked with them…  
Why?..  
Why was it that with one sudden look at Kanda and his wife just set them all back at stage one.   
…  
“Why’s he so damn stubborn?... He should have accepted it by now..”   
Lenalee turning only for Kanda to shoot her a glare, Lenalee instead turning back around.   
Knowing better than to start an argument right in front of Kanda’s now wife… after all, Kanda had to be the ‘best’ for her.   
…  
“Allen is most likely going to go back to his room…”  
The words breaking the silence between them all..   
Kanda looking down at her as his wife clutched onto his arm. A part of Lenalee uprising anger, yet kept her mouth shut for some reason.   
...  
Lavi though, didn’t.   
…  
“Why the hell do you get to stand here acting all high and mighty when your old best friend can’t even look at you? Do you not see the problem here Kanda?..” He asked, the words a stern and cold tone, looking at Kanda right in his eyes, not a regret in any word he had said.  
…  
“That kid could die at any moment, and you would live with the bearing that he killed himself thinking that he wasn’t good enough for you that you chose your dead wife that somehow revived over the man that had been there for you through everything! He made sure you had your stomach filled when you were hungry! Made sure that you were saved every time you were close to being on death’s row!”-  
…  
“Then he should’ve died the first time instead of me saving him.”   
…  
That was the response Kanda gave… his words piercing through to Lavi and Lenalee… both of them looking up as they shook their heads in disbelief.   
…  
“Allen wouldn’t wish death upon you wether he liked you or not…” She said, the woman, who was still holding onto Kanda looking at them both. “You’re telling my husband how he should feel?.. Is there a personal issue those two have?.. Because if so then he needs to accept that he’s married and move on!”   
…   
…  
The strength of the silence silence of the atmosphere was sharp enough to cut through anything, and it did.   
Right through Allen’s heart as he shut the door behind him. Thinking about it all, his mind too clouded with the fact he had finally witnessed the couple together, and yet he couldn’t even look up at Kanda.   
…   
How could he live his normal life, when the constant though of the fear that Kanda brought to him when even being near him came into him.   
…   
It felt as if large vines were attached to him..  
With thorns that sunk into his skin…  
Keeping him attached to Kanda, wether he liked it or not…  
It was as if he couldn’t escape.   
…  
How was he supposed to get over it?..   
Shutting himself away?..   
Acting as if he wasn’t hurting?..  
Or simply…  
Leave?..  
…  
Would Allen leave?..  
Where would he go?..   
He had nothing, no one...  
If he were to leave, Allen would be on his own...  
…  
But of course..  
There was no way for Allen to ever be alone..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \-------------  
> My apologies but this chapter is much shorter!  
> Like usual... I hope you enjoyed!  
> Stay tuned for chapter 5! ~


	5. The secret in the morning mist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotify Playlist!  
> \- @/iirsyv on Spotify !  
> \- " I still love you Kanda " (Name of the playlist)

\---------------------  
In the mist of the morning, there will always be secrets of the unknown…   
So what if the secret laid in the mist right in front of everyone yet unknown to them all?   
....  
The steps of the wooden flooring, cracking filling the silence as the white hair made his way down the hallway.   
The silence was too quiet, dread and thought sinking out through every crack that there was.   
…  
No one dared to talk to the boy, the tension that emitted from him could pierce through even the thickest.   
…   
Taking a step into his room, the door shutting with a quiet and low bang from the two pieces colliding together.   
Allen stood, frozen in place as the image of seeing Kanda replayed in his mind.   
…  
The face of the woman most, the smooth skin, the flushed pink cheeks that emitted a source of lovable feeling whenever around…   
How could he compete with that?  
…  
The man fought for a living, he didn’t have smooth flawless skin.   
Much less Kanda’s heart, which is what she had.   
…  
Allen was devastated, sitting on the mattress as he slid off the jacket and letting it fall onto the sheets.   
The sound of fast paced footsteps filling the corridor until at the door he met his eyes with Lenalee and Lavi. Both side by side, a worried look on their faces as they saw the man on the bed.   
…  
“Shes pretty…”   
The man nodding as he looked at Lavi.   
“Very pretty..”   
The words filling the dead silent room, nothing inside having been touched, much less used. The top of the counters being filled with dust, the head of the bedframe as well…   
Lenalee took first notice into the room after laying eyes on Allen. Looking back as Lavi walked inside.   
“Water?.. Food?... Come on, you ate but it was small and then you threw it up..” he said, Allen shaking his head as he looked back forward. “I don’t want to be here… I want to go out… be free without having to have him on my mind.” he said, Lavi looking down at him as he looked up at Lenalee..   
“Take a nap… Once its evening, let’s go on a walk okay?”  
…  
With a nod, the two others took their leave.   
Allen laying on the bed, this time…   
Looking forward to it..  
…  
In the evening, a quick walk outside, with only the two who actually cared to think about him..  
His mind was blanked out with that thought in mind… The small golden Timcanpy taking his nap right besides the sleeping man.   
The wings folded, and the covers warming up the boy besides him.   
…  
It was all sweet and tender, until he woke up.   
Not at anyone’s commands.. But at his own.   
Sitting up, his hair falling in front of his eyes..  
…   
Not a glance around at first…  
Looking straight forward before his eyes dashed down at Timcanpy who slept besides him.   
His eyes were dark, cold, in a way… evil.   
The hair that laid flat against his head with waves as a result from his sleep.   
It wasn’t until Lavi stepped in front of the door with a knock that he was snapped out of his state. His stomach grumbling, which is what Timcanpy’s alarm was to wake up as well.   
…  
Lavi stepping in, looking at the recently woken up man looked like before laughing as they surrounded him.  
…  
“Goodmorning Sleeping Beauty”  
The smile of Lavi..  
As intoxicating as venom.   
Allen looking up as the ends of his lips curled up.   
“Goodmorning.”  
…  
The voice being soft and tender, almost as if it were a smooth melody.   
Tho they said morning, the sun set at the window frame. The colors of the evening imprinted into the sky in all colors.   
A faint gradient of the yellow to orange… the light shade of purple towards the end..   
It was stunning to say the least.  
…  
The walk was small, but it was something that Allen needed.   
His mind wasn’t as clumped up with thoughts, nor were his eyes used to only the dim lighting of his bedroom any longer.   
Allen felt freer.  
As if a vine had let go of him..   
How was he supposed to realize, that this is what moving on felt like?  
The freedom of his thoughts and mind, with the thought just sitting in the bitter end of the line of thoughts.   
He was not moving on, but starting to relieve himself from such pain and agony that he had and was still going through.   
…  
Now wouldn’t that be the sweetest ending…  
The voice that ran through his mind.. Sitting at the end of them all.   
The grin of a thief, knowing that in the end…   
Allen wouldn’t suffer, but the Black Order would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!  
> Stay tuned for chapter 6 !


	6. The Iris Of His Eye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6!
> 
> \- Spotify Playlist!  
> ~ "I still love you kanda"  
> ~ By @/iirsyv

\--------------

Kanda POV 

The beauty of the nature around them, yet the beauty of his iris landed on the one he loved the most…  
…  
The flame of the candle flicked from left to right..  
Almost like wind gliding over a field of flowers…  
…  
It was the beauty of the eye that captured the love of the man…  
For Kanda had fallen for this woman, and she was the love that the iris of his eyes could never get enough of..  
…  
It was as if his heard dripped with ache…  
How could someone be so attached to someone?...  
…  
The flame of the candle flicking, showing its reflection against her eyes..  
...  
The sight of her hair,,, golden and smooth..  
...  
Her hands…  
Delicate,,, yet those were the hands that he had held when he asked her for her hand in marriage..  
…  
He had lost her once…  
His wife, his lover…  
…  
And what he considered…  
…  
His best friend..  
…  
When he saw her, his time stopped…  
As if nothing else was happening..  
She had that power against him..  
Yet a million times would Kanda allow her too..  
…  
She was his love..  
His definition of perfection..  
…  
“A picture could last longer don’t you think?..”  
The sound of her voice instantly snapping the man out of his thoughts…  
His cheeks flushed with a bright pink, yet the ends of his lips curved into a smile..  
…  
The woman not helping but to chuckle as she held her hand up to her mouth, covering her laugh..  
…  
The hands interwinding..  
…  
Kanda’s hand taking hold of the one that was raised up..  
The inside of his fingers holding hers against them…  
His tumb running circles against the top of her fingers. Her palm facing down while his up…  
Her left hand in his hand…  
The beam of the wedding rings shimmering against the dull yet bright light…  
…  
That was their time stop…  
As if the world froze whenever they were together…  
…  
“If I could marry you again and again… I would..”  
…  
The words running out of his mouth, as soothing whispers that were loud enough to almost be considered a mumble.  
…  
His own left hand under her’s…  
His ring showing, but her’s…  
Her’s was on display..  
…  
“I lost you once… I don’t want that to ever happen again…”  
…  
“You’re grace…”  
…  
The woman didn’t talk much, instead smiling at her husband’s actions…  
The type of love that no one could think could come out of Kanda..  
Yet there they were..  
…  
“We need to sleep.. Theres much to do tomorrow.. You’ll finally be able to go on a mission..”  
The words reaching Kanda as he nodded.  
…  
His hand sliding down, setting hers down gently as his fingers slipped out from under her’s.  
…  
“It’s nothing big… right now its just something short and simple..” he mumbled, looking back up at her.  
Both of their eyes meeting again, a smile on both of their faces.  
...  
“I love you..”  
…  
“..as do I..”  
…  
The following morning wasn’t hectic.. It was rather calm.  
Kanda had had his meal, his jacket worn close to him, keeping him warm.  
The woman fixing him up with any little thing that she could do.  
“..stay safe..”  
Her hands lightly dusting off his shoulders, looking up, this time the light of the sun shining in on the floor.  
...  
The woman not being hit by the rays…  
Instead it being Kanda.  
…  
The black of his hair,,, a monochrome black  
The red band holding it up, steady and sturdy..  
…  
This was the man that she had fallen in love with…  
…  
This was the man who she lies with..  
The one who had stolen her heart twice..  
The one she loved, and knew loved her back.  
…  
She knew that no one else could love her like he did,, and no one that could replace the grand part in his heart that she held.  
…  
With their final goodbye for the day.. Kanda had set off to the Order..  
The woman staying back, looking out before the door closed..  
The man she loved off to work  
…  
A smile on her face, walking back inside, content with their morning..  
After all...she knew that no one could replace her. ... Not even Allen who thought had a chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again... I hope you enjoyed!  
> Please stay safe and stay turned for chapter 7!


	7. Euphoria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotify Playlist!!
> 
> \- "I still love you Kanda"  
> \- @/iirsyv

\----------------  
Allen Walker…   
He had been through more than enough…  
At a young age, at his present age, how could he afford to be so happy and bubbly after all?   
But when he finally walked out of his bedroom in the following morning…  
…  
New clothing  
…  
Brushed out hair  
…   
And to top it off, a small curve to the corners of his lips..  
…  
It was incredible. The man who hadn’t set foot outside after finding out the one he loved and wished for nothing but to be there besides him… had a smile on his face.   
…  
The man was stunning, even when tears rolled down his face while a broken expression on his face…   
He held the beauty that was irreplaceable.   
…  
Standing at the main entrance of the Order.   
Looking up, seeing the large entry way..  
...  
It was as if it was a new start, as if with one more step… he could feel the same happiness he had felt when he had first arrived for the first time.  
…  
Of course, one mere walk during the past afternoon could never create such an impulsive decision of letting go…  
It felt more like he was handed off a key to open the doors to the actual path of moving on.  
…  
Walking around the building..   
No longer being outside, but inside and admiring the place he worked at instead of the room where he had shut himself in and never left.   
…  
It felt so fresh, so new, and in a way…   
Allen was in awe.  
The sounds of his footsteps walking over to the two people that had been with him, when Kanda wasn’t.  
Lenalee and Lavi both standing at the doorway where the lunch room was at.   
…  
Allen’s small curve to his lips turning into a bright and happy smile.   
His laugh echoed a tad bit, bringing a smile to the other two’s faces.   
Both of them walking in with Allen in between them.   
…  
As if they were the ones to shield him in case of anything coming his way..  
Making sure to be the supporting guide for the white haired boy… both of them knowing that that was what he needed most of all..   
...  
Being filled with light from the inside of the room mixing with their laughter.. Lighting up the topic inside of the cafeteria.. Seeing how happy they all looked.. The rest of the Black Order watching them walk in so carelessly yet with the happy smiles on their faces..   
Something that created euphoria in Allen.   
He was in bliss.. It felt so unreal…  
…   
...  
“Can I get…”  
The voice in which hadn’t been heard in weeks to months, finally ordering for himself with a happy ring at the end of his sentence.   
…  
The silence was no longer, the smiles and conversations going on around them.. Allen looking up, straight at Lavi.   
...  
His eyes glistened, as if two orbs had found their way to be a glowing star for eyes.   
The smile, the laugh, the eyes…  
It was filled with serendipity…   
The same serendipity he hadn’t felt in a long time, it was a strange feeling to feel something so unreal, but to Allen... it was the most real thing that he had felt.   
…  
Lavi took a careless glance to it at first, but with glance after glance,, he caught himself looking directly at Allen. Watching his smile… a real one too..   
…  
The hours after eating resulted in running across all the hallways, both Lenalee and Allen running from yet another experiment..  
...  
Komui standing at the sidelines. Stress as he frantically pressed a series of buttons..   
The smile on his face once both Allen and his sister were safe, rushing over to check on Lenalee while Lavi helped Allen up.   
…  
“Are you hurting?..” he asked, walking off with Allen.   
Both of them walking across the land surrounding the Order.   
…  
“Me?.. I feel amazing..”   
…  
“No.. Doesn’t it hurt to know that you are moving on?”  
…  
…  
…  
…  
…  
…  
…  
…

“I’m home..”  
The words echoing into the night of the home…   
The woman peeking her head out, looking at her husband who had come home after his mission.   
…  
“It didn't take long? You are back after one day.. Usually you came home after weeks and today after just a few hours..”  
Her hands gliding up his coat, undoing it as she let it slide off and onto the coat hanger instead.   
“Not today… It was much more simple.. There wasn’t anything getting in the way…” he said, giving his wife a smile..  
...  
Of course it was simple… after all his only burden while on missions at the end was Allen…  
…  
“I see.. So in the end everything was completed faster and easier?...”  
Kanda taking a small look at his wife, nodding.   
...  
“I’m glad…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!   
> Hope you enjoyed!  
> Please stay safe and healthy!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it !


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